Finding Hope in a Cancer
What’s up beautiful people… How are you all feeling?
Yes I know it’s a Tuesday and I know some of you cried because you missed me yesterday, but I truly apologise. You know how they say the lord never disappoints…. Well, I’m not the lord, so break my head if you wish… I disappointed with chest!
Right, so today what are we discussing? Well, I don’t know, I’m not going lie to you. But let me first tell you about my weekend.
So the reason I missed my Monday write up is because I actually took a break. LOL yes, a break. I hear you guys screaming with excitement cause you know how much I be moving, but yes… Josiah took a break.
So to put it in context, a break for me looks like still working with 2-3 clients, but prioritising projects I can do on the fly and that I actually don’t mind doing anyway, so it’s not really a break... But anyway, my mess of a break was spent with a few brothers and a mentor of mine.
I flew down to London, as we stayed in a hotel and we spent the evening discussing the beautiful yet often over-complicated Gospel of Jesus Christ. Yes all, it’s really just about the Good news. We later then met up in the park and played a few games… and that was it–– A simple time together, laughing, reflecting and loving–– All three Major things my soul has been in deep search for right now.
As you can probably see through my open style of writing that I am in a transitionary phase of my life. The last few months have been really defining for me, and I have seen major changes happen in my personal life. I’ve experienced brokenness from relationships, I’ve handle multiple deaths from loved ones, and I’ve fought my own inner demons, some which I am still fighting now. Nonetheless, it’s been joyful yet painful. This whole year has seemed like an intense cacophony of tragedy, with the same pressing message of Love.
Chadwick Boseman.
I’m not one overly stumped by loss. However, for some strange reason, it’s almost like this one was more painful than ever. I’ll share a few reasons why.
At some point towards the end of my last academic year, I remember writing my final assignment with little to no time remaining. I had just come back from a 3-day trip where I spoke in 4 or so universities across the UK. I was exhausted but I pushed.
I had stayed up all night to make up for lost time, and 200 words left of the 6,000 work cap, I received a phone call.
It was my mum telling me some news.
A year before my dad had lost his voice, and it never returned, there was no explanation, well at least to me, but in a moment everything made sense.
He had been going through lots of treatment and they had withheld the information from me for quite a while, but at that moment my mum decided it was best for me to know.
He was diagnosed with Cancer of the larynx–– Cancer found at the entrance of the windpipe.
I remember this moment so vividly, and truly I do feel a little breathless as I write this, but I remember hearing this and instantaneously breaking down. In a moment time stopped, or at least it felt like it, and in a moment the present became nothing but a gift that I didn’t want.
With cloudy eyes, I scrolled through my contact list and called my dad. Whilst I broke down with confusion, I remember the calmness I received in return.
In the husk of what was left of his voice, he pushed out a few words which filled my eyes with even more tears. He said…
“Josiah”
He often spoke so slowly, but now with the strain to his voice, there was an even longer pause. A pause which felt like an eternity.
He continued
“… Josiah, this is how God gives us our credentials, there is nothing to stress about”
I remember sitting there so confused. How can he just act like nothing is happening… like come on dad this is cancer, this is not a joke.
I articulated these words in a lot less elegant manner... cause you know I had snot all up inna my face. But once again in an eery stillness, he repeated...
“Josiah, this is how we get our credentials”.
I was so dazed, I called my mum again vexed that she didn’t tell me sooner, but both she and my sister echoed the same message.
Don't worry.
Chadwick Boseman.
I woke up this morning abruptly, I happened to be discussing with my PR lady the night before about wanting to go into acting and wanting to express my self in all my creativity. Now in the same 24 hrs, a major inspiration to me had passed.
What made it more painful was the eery familiarity. Chad had the demeanour of my father. The ever-presence nature of stillness, the attitude and embodiment of hope, and the captivating nature of holding your attention, and now of course upon what we learnt, he had something fighting his body. It threw me back immediately to a place of fear. More specifically because even before my father, I remember as a 10/11-year-old boy, I had experienced a similar death so closely.
My father who never really travelled decided one day that it was urgent to go visit our family friend. His name was Zadok and he was like a big brother to me. We didn’t know each other long, but I loved him so much. He was fighting with cancer in his bones, and he had already lost one of his legs, but I remember he would always out dance me whenever we listened to music together.
He was such a light. At the time I had never experience someone so young yet so pure in his expression of love. I remember walking into his house after we arrived at his house with this feeling of peace, and excitement. Usually, my dad would never let me travel with him, so this was an amazing opportunity and as you already can imagine –– a very timely one too.
We walked into his house and he was laid in a bed in the living room, a little weaker than usual, but still as bright as ever. I remember speaking to him, exchanging a few words and turning my back around.
In those moments he had gone to be with the lord.
That day was so odd, in that one moment, it’s like everything rapidly became so loud. Upon finding out, lots of commotion broke out, and I remember standing there confused. like I was so young that I truly didn’t know what I had just experienced. To me he was asleep, so I didn't understand what the fuss was.
I was quickly rushed to the car outside where I stayed for a few hours where the family prayed and dealt with the situation. I stared at the car, waiting for my big bro to wake up. He never did.
Waking up that morning, I had experienced the same feeling. In the moment of the news of Chadwick, I was reminded swiftly of the urgency of life.
I cried, I felt, but I heard the message…
“Love like you’ve never loved before”
Chadwick had battled so much. Away from cancer, he had been ridiculed online, he had the world say so much about him, and he was constantly fighting for the voiceless, and standing up for the choiceless. He was a man who truly held a character of rectitude from his acting, to his own personal life.
In every moment of ridicule, he chose to do what was right. And in his moments of rest, we simply are awakened to his reality.
It pained me.
It really pained me.
I am still hurting...
Yet I am inspired.
Finding Hope.
As I write this a few thoughts spring to mind...
How in all the injustices of life, do I choose to uphold such postulation... How do I be like those men?
Now I titled it this very specifically, because the truth is, how does one even find hope in such a situation. Like often in the face of demise hope is but a distant imagination, but man how do I keep hope?
I can’t give you an answer, but I can only share the truth in those words shared to me by my dad.
This is how we earn our credentials.
In our lives, we all have our own issues, pains, but most important of which–– we have our own stories. I don’t have all the answers but I know that when I am left questioning, it only increases the beauty of hope, and fortifies one truth,
There is always an answer.
The reality, however, is that the answer just may not be experienced by me, but the hope for me is that, if my life was but a question and my end was but the answer, then my life has been a good life.
I don’t know everything but I know witnessing those painful moments for me, gave me an odd sense of clarity. They taught me to obey the voice in my heart, and it taught me to dream with intentionality, and it reminded me that time is but a measure of what I do.
And maybe yes, I often feel hopeless whilst I see my dad’s life-changing, however, the truth is hope is just like the sun, I’ve never touched it, yet I feel it's heat. And yes some days the clouds get in the way, but the truth is, the sun doesn’t move. It is always still there.
So as I poured out my heart to you today, and in the lack of clarity of thought, I hope that you yourself can hope. I don’t know what you may be fighting, and I don’t know what you may be experiencing, but as you see everything around you, ask yourself what God is telling you.
Truth be told, my whole life I have prayed to God to give me a story, and here I am always sharing those with you. I never knew what I meant by that, but I guess in its simplicity... every story is but words. Words which strike the heart and warm the soul. A story of truth unfolded. A story which sets the footprint in the sands of time. A story which just like those I’ve shared, if searched well will always leave the residues of fulfilment and completeness.
In all these moments I am reminded that we are in the library of life, some books thicker, some books smaller. Each one a story nonetheless.
So today what story will you write?
What will you allow your pen to create?
I apologise that this may not be coherent. but now more than ever I am fuelled not on perfection but on delivery. and as i lay here without words I too hope, that one day I will get those answers. But right now I have to live a life, which God can use to answer another life's question
Today I shared with you a few stories. In them, you should see Lives of experience, but lives full. I am inspired by what they were, what they stood and still stand for. I am shaken by the ends, but renewed by their lives. I am filled with their hope, a hope shared through christ.
I know this year has been incredibly testing, but it should only remind you of how much more you can do. So do more. Be more. Hope more.
I’m going to leave you with this...
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, without the life span of the candle being shortened. I believe the end we see is but a beginning. And as things may not make sense in this realm, we are looking at life through a keyhole, and I believe that one day, the door will be opened.
So hope.
–– Only then will you know what your credentials can be.
Be Kind to one another!
Josiah Hyacinth
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