I've been running...
Recently, I’ve found myself running. Come on, you know that conflicting feeling of knowing exactly what it is you need to do, but also this deep desire to not show up at all.
A part of me sort of feels burnt out, desperately seeking rest, but knows I need to keep momentum. A part of me somewhat wants to put everything on hold and actually rest.
Truth be told.
I don’t actually believe I’ve given myself this moment just yet and I guess this explains my absence.
Yesterday on Instagram I was answering a few questions asked by my followers and interestingly enough as I write, I’m reminded by how simple and useful the answer was. In the imbroglio of my daily endeavours, I’m only now in this present moment realising how necessary it was and is an answer.
In fact, I need it now much more than I thought.
I’ve always vowed to be open and honest in this space, often showing up to write—not knowing what to say, but discovering a world of words amidst the threads of the commitment. In other words— I only really discover how much ink my pen still holds, so long as I keep picking the pen up.
As I write this I’m confounded. I actually have a lot on my heart that truly has been weighing me down. I’m aware I haven’t yet shared much of that, and equally, I haven’t so simply given you an answer, but I guess in that spirit of openness, I’m merely showcasing the concurrency of this enlightenment. I’m both deeply satisfied as a part of my chest seems to open up, yet a little confused at the fact that this may just have been the release I needed — That small injection of familiarity that makes my unsettled world feel a little more like home.
That simple truth, that if you just stop running, you just might once again appreciate that deep refreshing taste of oxygen in your lungs, and slowly those seemingly inexorable gasps fade into this rubescent calmness. I think for the last few months, I’ve been gasping, but in a mind which sees breathlessness as training, I guess I also saw exhaustion as progress, and maybe it just isn’t so black and white.
I’m realising at this moment as I order my thoughts, just how disorderly they have been, much like a vacant house— well put together and orderly, yet only when wiped closely do you see how much dust truly settled. At this moment I’m realising that I need rest, and nothing beats the sleep you sleep after cleaning up, dusting away and changing the sheets. However, I know one more to be better…
Not allowing the dust to settle at all.
I guess I simply came here to apologise for my absence, and a part of my pride has been annoyed at the fact that I had planned so intensely to return ever so smoothly and regularly in the new year. So much so that I had spent all my holidays planning towards finding a rhythm. But as life gets, I was bombarded with its intricacies, so much so that my emotionally physically exhaustion had taken me down an erroneous path. So much so, that I couldn’t even begin to write.
In the presence of my united front, I had only learnt to balance my board as I surfed the whirlwinds of my world. Yet the truth is— One I am a little sad to admit to myself, is that those winds, were indeed in a storm.
So before I share that advice that I actually intended to share, I will say I apologise for my absence, and indeed my seemingly empty promises. I still have lots to share, but I admit that I need to share it as honestly and as truthfully as it comes to me. and I'm just not majorly ready to impart that which I’m still searching to find consistently.
I’m somewhat saddened that I don’t have much more of an uplifting message to begin the year, but also maybe real is enough.
Maybe some of you reading this are actually more here than elsewhere. Maybe you know exactly what I mean. And maybe it’s ok to admit that things are not ok, even if they do feel ok.
Maybe, Josiah…it’s ok to do the same.
“…How do I get back into the groove?”
A young lady asked me this question, and I was surprised that deep within me was just what I myself, waking up this morning needed to hear.
My answer in its surprisingly voluble form came into two important parts.
Good habits will always persist, so build good habits where you can still perform.
Keep taking small incremental steps ( even when unmotivated) so much so that when your motivation comes flooding back in, that you will look back and be thankful for that person.
I’m reminded of 1st Thessalonians 5:17
Pray without ceasing.
The irony of this is that in all my exhaustion, I am but in the middle of a race, once that isn’t for the swift… But one that is enduring. I’m somewhat comforted at the fact that I haven’t stopped altogether but I also— admittedly, can see that I have been unbalanced. Much like a machine, in all its said efficiency— over time will still need oil.
Take a deep breath in, take that moment of rest and get that oil, because we will once more— need to keep running.
I’m not certain of the message here, but I write with the joy— the one that may not seem so present right now— but with Joy that I know is coming. I read this with the inimitable trust in God that one day I will read this back, and be proud. Not only that I got up once again and ran, but most importantly because I admitted that just before, I needed another deep breath in. In fact, I need more deep breaths. and maybe the running in itself isn’t bad, but maybe above all is the soothing of that oil in my joints. That air in my lungs.
So oil your machine, or even so, allow your head to be anointed with the oil.
I realise that I’ve spent a lot of time doing what I know God has purposed me to do but if indeed he made me for his pleasure then surely my strongest place is actually in his presence.
…and man,
I’ve been running.
5 More Mins w/
Josiah Hyacinth